Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Brittany
Mommy to James (J.T.)
Born and passed May 31st, 2010 at 18 weeks
Vandenberg, AFB, California

Everything started May 30, 2010 with what I thought was just round ligament pains. I had been at the mall with my husband walking that day and thought the pains were just from walking so much. As the night went on and we were at a friends for a BBQ I noticed as I stood the pains worsened but I really paid no attention to them. They kept on through the night and were still there in the morning.

As May 31 started I was not too worried. But after realizing that I had lost my mucus plug I decided it was time to call my OB's office to see what was going on. Fortunately, my OB was the one on call that day and I told him about the pains and the tiny spot of blood in the plug but he said not to worry. My husband came home and I told him what had happened so we just hung around the house. A few hours later I was in the bathroom and knew something was just not right. I didn't know it at the time, but my membranes stripped and I was dilating. We rushed to the ER around 3 or 4 pm that day, I can't really remember. I got there, got checked in, was taken to a room in the ER and waiting. I was so angry for waiting. I was 18 weeks pregnant, I needed to be seen I wanted to know my baby was ok. And to top it off, once I got to the hospital I started to bleed. The doctor comes in to do a pelvic exam, he isn't 3 seconds into it and says okay we need to get you an ultrasound. He then goes on to tell me that it looks like I am aborting my child. I couldn't grasp this since I was already in my second trimester. I didn't realize that this thing happened.

I go for my ultrasound and I see the most beautiful baby wiggling all about. This was the most I had ever seen him move, and we found out at that moment it was a HIM. I was a week and a half away from having my anatomy scan. But I find out at the hospital the day I lose my boy. The whole time I am having the ultrasound I can't help but have some hope that things will be ok, I see him moving and waving and his daddy and myself and I love him. But the other side of my brain is realizing the pains I'm having are coming more frequently, so my husband starts to time them. They are about 6 minutes apart. The ultrasound is over and I am back into a room when a few minutes later they take me over to the labor and delivery part of the hospital. Things were bad...so bad. My OB comes into my room where I am laying upside down in a bed and sits me up with such a grim look. He uses his portable ultrasound machine and it says that I am 3cm dilated. He does an exam...I'm actually fully dilated. It felt like it happened so fast. But in all actuality, the contractions had started the night before. I had been in labor basically for a day and didn't even know it.

So much of that night is a blur. I think it was about 7pm when I got into my room and they started me meds to help the labor along. Once everything settled down it finally occurred to me to ask what the hell was even happening. I had an infection that caused me to go into labor. I had no signs of infection until I got into my room when I finally got a fever. There was some unknown infection that made me go into labor at 18 weeks and we didn't even know I was sick until that night! The night goes on, I've called all my family in Ohio and my husbands brother is at the hospital for awhile to see how we are doing. They left around 9pm to let our dog out and an hour later I started to have my son. I pushed maybe three times and it was over at 10:14pm. The love of my life was laying on my chest, taking his only gasp of air. I had no clue what was going on around me as my husband and myself cried over the tiny baby laying on me. I wanted to make everything better for him. I was the one who was supposed to protect him from everything bad, but I was the one who hurt him the most.

Later that night I had a D&C because my placenta had torn. I lost 2 liters of blood and had 2 blood transfusions. I had my son the day before my fathers birthday. A week and a half before we found out his sex. And two weeks before his baby shower. I'm so thankful everyday that I got to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him and how much his father and I wanted him. It's so hard to say good bye to someone you've wanted for so long.

You can contact Brittany at brittmoomey1988@yahoo.com