Thursday, July 22, 2010

My child died October 20th, 2009 and left my body on October 21st, 2009
Mason, MI

Even though we had not planned on getting pregnant our baby was more then wanted! I had missed my period so September 28, 2009 after work I decided I would just go to the store and buy a couple of tests to see what the result was. I was home alone, took the test and to my shock it was actually positive!

After pondering on how I was going to tell the daddy I ended up just asking him to come home because we needed to discuss something...automatically he knew I was pregnant! Obvious by the "we need to talk" line right? He came straight home and you could tell he was nervous and didn't know what to think but everything fell into place and the excitement began. The pregnancy seemed to be going normally. I had a my first doctors appointment the beginning of October just to get paper work started and figure out my due date. I was due June 4, 2010 (the day after my moms birthday). We had set up an ultrasound that day for November 24, 2009 because we volunteered for the new testing for down syndrome and I couldn't wait to see our little baby at 13 weeks.

On Sunday October 18th we had our normal relaxing day and late that night watched a movie, I remember him rubbing my belly as if he was petting a dog while laying on the couch. Movie was over so it was off to the bathroom then time to hit the sack! As habbit I wiped and looked down at the toilet paper... it was red. I got the absolute worst feeling in my stomach and my eyes automatically teared up. I wiped a couple more times just to reassure myself that I was really actually bleeding, I was. I came out of the bathroom and called my mom to tell her what I just saw and she told me to go to urgent care to make sure everything was ok. Off I went at 10pm by myself while daddy slept since he had to get up at 5am and it could have been 'nothing'.

I got to urgent care and to my surprise they were packed. As I walked in everyone was staring at me as if they knew what was wrong. I felt embarrassed. I checked in and told them that I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and that I was bleeding. I sat down and dreaded the long wait but to my surprise they called me back before everyone else. I was happy they did but then I knew something was really wrong at the same time and I just broke down. All I could hear in the background was the nurses rushing around asking if they wanted to transport me to the hospital. The nurse put me in a room, stared me in the eye and asked me millions of questions. I felt like she was judging me. They wanted me to do a urine test so I did... the urine was red, again I broke down. They also took blood, then pricked my finger to test my hcg levels to see if they were high enough given how far along I was.

She came back and again started asking more questions. She beat around the bush when she told me my hcg levels, acting like I was supposed to know what they were supposed to be. I simply asked "is that low for being how far along I am?" She said "yes, a little but it could be nothing." I remember those words like it was just yesterday, "it could be nothing," it gave me some hope.

They sent me home with a list of what I needed to do: rest, go to the emergency room if the bleeding/cramping got worse, get more blood work done in 48 hours to see if my hcg levels had multiplied, call my doctor the next day to set up an ultrasound. I got home, laid in bed and just thought about the worst scenerio to prepare myself. What was I thinking, how do you prepare yourself for something so horrible?

I was up for what seemed like the entire night. Eventually, from all the tears I think, I cried myself to sleep. The next morning (which was Monday the 19th) I didn't even want to get out of bed, but I ended up calling my boss to let him know I would not be in that day until I figured out what was going on and then I called my doctors office to see when they would be able to get me in for an ultrasound to check on the baby. Monday was such a blur, I tried to keep my mind off of everything that was going on but I did have my ultrasound that same morning.

I headed to the ultrasound (again by myself) having hope that everything was ok and it was just the normal spotting that some people get while they are pregnant. I waited in the waiting room for them to call me back, again feeling like everyone was staring at me. Finally after what seemed like an eternity I was called back. I laid on the ultrasound bed, she put gel on my stomach and looked around for baby... there it was and there was a heart beat! A sigh of relief came, but then was shot down. The ultrasound tech said "there is a heart beat but it is very very slow, it MAY be because you are still early in your pregnancy though." I knew that she knew my child may be passing away in the womb, I'm not stupid. I kept it together until I got to the car and then just had a melt down.

The 20 minute drive to my mothers I was in such a zone, I don't even know how I made it there. I sat around for a couple of hours and I couldn't help but go to the bathroom every 10 minutes to check if the bleeding had stopped and then I noticed as I peed the blood was getting darker and I was passing clots. I can't explain to you how that first clot I saw laying in the toilet made me feel. I didn't know if it was just tissue or if that was my baby laying in the toilet. I told my mom each time and she really didn't know what to say or do for me. Finally I told her I'm going to the emergency room. The bleeding had increased and now I was passing crazy clots. I wasn't just going to sit around and feel as if I was doing nothing for my child.

I get to the emergency room and at this time is when the swine flu was going around and to say the least the ER was insanly packed. I couldn't believe it. After checking in I waited in the hallway for daddy to get there from work. He popped out of the elevator and ran over to me asking if everything was ok and I just cried. Everyone passing through the hallway just stared at me crying and him holding me. There were no chairs, no where to sit, so we had to stand in the hallway door for EIGHT hours waiting for our name. As I stood there I just kept crying. A pregnant lady even walked by and I threw myself to the floor, WHY ME!? As we were waiting my pants felt really wet down there and I had to pee so I went to the bathroom and as I pulled my pants down there was blood every where. I felt ashamed I didn't tell anyone I was leaking through my night time pad. We waited and waited. FINALLY a lady walks out and calls my name but all she wanted was to give me a cup of water to drink before my ultrasound and to tell me after drinking it I had to wait 30 minutes to make sure my bladder was full. I cried because all I wanted to know was if my baby was ok. I didn't want to wait any longer!

After 30 minutes she came back to get me, I got up and walked not even caring if I had blood all over my butt for everyone to see. In the ultrasound room I was told to put on a gown and lay on the bed. I did and we waited for the tech. I remember her looking around and the first thing I said to her was "I had an ultrasound this morning at my doctors office and they found the heartbeat" she didn't say a word so I said it again to make sure she heard me even though she was two feet from me. She said "I'm not supposed to say anything but I am not seeing a heart beat" and then turned the screen towards me to see our precious baby. She was right, there was no heart beat. Surprisingly I kept it together I'm pretty sure because I was so damn angry. She left the room, I put my bloody pants back on and then walked out of the room. We were sent to another room for me to get checked which was pointless because I still had no answers. I was told "your doctor will get a hold of you tomorrow, for now go home and rest"... go home and rest? How am I supposed to go home and rest when no one is telling me whether my baby is dead or alive? Even though I knew the answer I needed to hear it from someone else.

Tuesday the 20th I had a doctors appointment. My best friend had taken me to the appointment where we were meeting daddy. They called me back before daddy arrived and as badly as I wanted to wait for him I was so angry that he wasn't on time for something so important and with my best friend by my side we went ahead with the ultrasound. She looked around not showing me the screen so I wasn't sure what she saw. I laid there looking at the ceiling hoping and praying for good news. She then took a piece of tissue and wiped the gel off my belly saying "the doctor will be in here to talk to you shortly."

We waited and at this time daddy walked in the room and in came the doctor. She then stated "we weren't able to see anything on the ultrasound, no heartbeat or baby" I just nodded my head as if I knew already. She asked me a few questions, whether I was passing clots or not, and I said "yes I have been since yesterday" and she told me my body seemed to be doing everything normally and I would probably not need a D&C. She said we have no cause for the miscarriage sometimes it just happens but we would like you to wait three months before trying to get pregnant again. Asked if we had any other questions, I shook my head no just wanting her to leave the room. As soon as she stepped out I broke down. I couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard. My world had just come crashing down. I went home and laid in bed the entire day and cried just wanting the bleeding to go away! My lovely friend came over after work with my favorite flowers, orange lilly's and I couldn't even say thank you I just said "I hate you" because she made me cry all over again!

Wednesday the 21st when I woke up thinking this whole mess would be over with I was wrong. I was home alone and to get my mind off everything I decided I would put a movie in. I bent down to pick out a movie and I felt this BIG gush in my pants so I walked awkwardly to the bathroom and as I pulled down my pants I saw something unforgettable. There was my sweet baby lying there on my night time pad. I freaked out. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't warned about passing my baby and seeing my actual baby!!! I was ANGRY! I pulled the pad off from my underwear and placed it on the counter pondering what the heck I Was supposed to do with him/her. The baby was definitely a baby, had sweet little arms and hands, eyes forming, a spine, and legs beginning to form.

What did I do wrong to make him/her pass away slowly in my stomach? I found a small box and placed the baby in it until I could figure out what to do. I paced my house for hours, just back and forth thinking if I should bury the box, burn it, throw it away. I just wanted it out of my sight so I could go back to being normal. I kept the box for days with out opening it, I just placed it in a drawer where I couldn't see it.
Still to this day I think about my sweet baby and wonder if he/she suffered. It breaks my heart to know one minute I was able to see the heart beat and that it was really slow so at that time baby was passing away. Did it hurt him/her? I wish I could have answers. I do know now my child is in a better place being loved and playing with all the other angel babies!

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